Oh man, was I about to write this game off or what? Oh yes, I was. Let's get one thing clear, straight from the off, this is pretty awful stuff. It isn't good. Don't take anything written below as some kind of recommendation or buyers guide. Unless, and here it comes, you're a big bleary eye'd nostalgic fool. Like me. And then? Well, read on...
The main menu is arguably, and believe me, it would be an argument, the worst bit. The bit you want to select sort of drifts off-of the screen of it's own accord, and you are never quite sure whether you have clicked it or not.
This menu system is so bad that originally you see I thought there were only four sections:
Firstly a virtual puppet section, that allows you to, just about, control a mini representation of the main character: Reika. You press a button and it alters a one inch high semi-animated sprite version of the girl in question. It is dreadful. Reika being a pretty cute twenty year old, or there abouts, Japanese girl, from 1994, which was about the time I was twenty years old. However, this virtual puppet section is really crap.
Then there is Club Reika (DJ). The young lady Reika, quite literally, murders a song. While the whole disc centres on promoting Ms Reika, and it's quite clear she is being promoted as a singer, it is to be fair, and I'm tone deaf, safe to say singing really isn't her forte. Especially when she sings in English. Which is clearly not a language she is familiar with. Anyway, your role as D.J. involves being accomplice to murder by injecting one of three nasty samples into the nasty song, by pressing either A, B or C button. To help you understand how bad this is, try to imagine it's much like Reika has produced a three week old boil, on the backside of a festering corpse of a dead pig, and you are asked to cure it with only a staple gun. Yes indeed, your 3DO D-Pad fumblings turn something nasty into something truly, truly hideous.
Next is a Fashion Magazine "Peach". It's neither here nor there to be honest. Reika is quite pretty. Except when she is plastered in fake-suntan. In this section she tries on some outfits and you flick through them, as if it was a Virtual Magazine. Crazy idea. The outfits aren't very good. Like I say, she is a pretty girl, but the clothes chosen for her in this bit are nasty.
Next up: Video Clip Maker. This is, at best, and I'm being generous -- OK. I don't mind J-Pop, which is a derivative of Euro-pop, and the tune used in this section is actually pretty catchy. Ruined, slightly, by Reika. She has a manly voice. It's pretty deep in my opinion, and even singing in Japanese it sounds a bit odd. Anyway, instead of injecting nasty sound samples, you can chose one of four camera effects to make your own video. Again -- pointless, and uninspiring, dull...
...And I thought that was it.
...Oh - no.
Of cause? Japanese music promo video right? What would it be without a karaoke section? Nothing! That's what. Nothing!
The finaly section is Sing Along. The words appear, in Japanese Kanji, at the bottom of the screen and you must, if you can read it, sing along. Then there is the music. The music chosen is nostalgic. Well, it was for me. Ms Reika blesses the whole thing by not singing, which helps enormously. And then? Well, it's fake-soulful guitar riffs and heavy drums, kind of tune lifted straight from a 1980s Tom Cruise movie. I love it. The kind of tune that makes you want to put on a brown leather flying jacket, preferably with a big eagle insignia on the back, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and grab your women, and then ride off into some sunset somewhere. Doesn't help when your women looks a bit like Reika.
In this video Reika wears some genuinely pretty clothes, takes off that god awful make-up, and then stands ruffling her hair in some fake wind while standing on some white steps, near a white wall. All very cool. And bits of it are in black and white. It's like a tribute song to the early 1990s. It's the best! It made me want to play Total Eclipse on the 3DO again. For absolutely no reason. Yes - it's that good.
Oh and Reika takes a bath in the video. Shhh!