3DO Interactive Multiplayer

It was the Jungles of Peru and I was cowering beneath a rocky cleft. The rain literally pelted down and formed a sort of fog, through which I could make out the dark disfigured forms of the foul Ataryians that had been tracking me from the Cathedral City of Ely, England, some six months earlier.

During my time back home in England I had learnt of a mysterious version of VR Stalker, a version that contain polygon based clouds. Intrigued and with a desire to learn more, I had to travel to the Americas. To this end, I had stowed away on HMS Immercenary docking in Southampton bound for Brazil, where I had been told that a man called Enio had within his possession this rare copy of VR Stalker – labelled “super updated ‘good’ version” apparently – but as events turned, our meeting was never to be.

The Ataryans had been following my every step since I left 3DO Manor in Cambridgeshire, and, having seen me sneak onboard the Immercenary weeks later, they launched their own insidious craft – the Rayman.

They had decided to tail me half way across the Atlantic, where upon they sought to sink the HMS Immercenary. And they succeeded! They torpedoed the Immercenary with E.T. cartridges packed with sand – and in no time she sank. If it hadn’t been for my inflatable Gex, my keen senses and my love of sushi, I would have perished on the open sea but three months later I paddled ashore in Venezuela. Wet, sun burnt and a longing for a quick round of Twinkle Nights.

But the Ataryans don’t give in easily. As I ran up the beach and into the forests as they persued me, I could hear them chanting to their heathen god, the Minter.

“O-O-O-O we love 2600s”
“O-O-O-O we love 7800s”
“O-O-O-O the significance of 1024”
“O-O-O-O we pray unto thee god of the Jaguar to crush the evil 3DO kid and all he stands for.”

…Disturbing – in more ways than one I'm sure you will agree.

So – for weeks I was hunted through the Jungles of Venezuela, where, the locals, loyal fans of the 3DO despite it never being released there, sheltered me some nights, as the blood-eyed Ataryans scoured the nights and the dense plains baying for my blood.

As I left behind the warm hearts and homes of the beautiful Venezuelian people, I fled on to the valleys and gorges of Colombia where I ran never ending day and night, until finally the dense Peruvian rain forests.

Yet the run had taken its toll on me, and I was forced to hide like a dog from the hounding Ataryians.

And now we've caught up. Here, against the rocks, I cowered in the pelting rain, dirty, saddened, filling with despair. I was short on NVRAM, CDs and luck. I was tired and hungry and lost, as the evil Ataryans stalked ever closer.

Closer and closer they came, as I shrunk into the surrounding rocks, trembling and holding my breath. It was too late. They had seen me. I could see the wild look in their eyes, the foul smell of meths on their breath, they bared their teeth and uttered the words… “Now you die 3DO Kid”. You could see their hatred for me. Their venom as they drew back their sharpened Jaguar joy-pad ready to send me to meet Trip. It was over.

I closed my eyes and prayed for a swift end.

BANG! At the last moment a shot rang out. It was the unmistakable ring of Enfield rifle #1, Mark III – It could only mean one thing, it was an Englishman. Thank god. BANG! Another Ataryian dropped. BANG! And then another.

As the Ataryans breathed their last my savior and I settled down for a nice cup of tea. Sadly it was afternoon, and he didn’t have Earl Grey Tea so we had to settle for Assam Tea but despite my disappointment, I decided we should chat for a while. Eventually, having discussed the weather, the state of the BBC and the Princes’ of the realm, the conversation naturally turned to 3DO.

To my surprise he was the great-great-great Grandson of Sir Arthur Canon Doyle and had been advisor to a 3DO game about Sherlock Holmes. It was, he regretted to say, a very mediocre 2D affair, which involved watching a quite dull plot and solving a very uninspiring murder. It was, he ashamedly said, all-in-all a games console generation too late. “Never mind” I said and with that we started our walk home. Back to England. Back to civilsation.

Hmmmm. Niche. Very, very, niche. The 3DO multiplayer was a niche console. The number of divers in the world, is, compared to the greater population of the planet, also niche. So what a wonderful combination. 3DO and Marine Diving. The number of people that actually benefited from the edutainment title must rank in the 10s.

Still - it's a 3DO title and I must cover it to achieve my goal.

So - string these words together to make your own review:

Fish. Water. Boring. Edutainment. Boring. Ocean. Monk Fish. I've eaten Whale and it was nice. Boring.

Not rare either.

3DO Kid.

We've had French games. We have had German games. We've had British, Japanese and American games, but we've never had a Korean game, 'til now.

Firewall. And not a hint of smoked dog anywhere.

On-rail shooters. I'll be honest, I like them all, including this one, but they all suffer from the same problems and this one is not any different.

The game play is faint, the controls at best are iffy and the decent thing would be to have it put down. Worst of all - I can't figure out how to get past level 2.

It's in a different league to Microcosm, Starblade, Novastorm and Pyramid Intruder - sadly it's the league below.

The first level, set in a city, is actually not bad. You sweep down the river in your craft, barrel round some buildings and then shoot at a large floating gun platform. For an on-rails shooter it isn't bad. The enemy craft that come gunning for you are very hard to target but in this level they aren't too tough.

By the second level the game steps up a gear into infuriating. Perhaps because all the inter-level cut-scenes are in spoken in Korean or perhaps the coders got bored, it is nearly impossible to know what is going on. You waft majestically between the canyons and the water riddled pre-rendered valley and you realise you can't shoot anything. Your craft has two types of laser. That look identical and I struggled to figure out when to use one and not the other but the targetting that was tough in level 1 has become impossible by level 2.

Also - there was no smart bomb. Lasers or nothing. And half the time the lasers don't work - because you are using the wrong one, on the wrong target.

The scenery that sweeps past appears to have used the same fog-o-vision that Rebel Assault on the 3DO uses. Sometimes it looks OK, other times siginificantly less so. The space craft is typically crude and the guy in charge of the 3D scene renderer has taken the opportunity to render water where-ever and when-ever he felt like it.

It's hard. It's predictable. It's very very rare.

3DO Kid.

I guess you’ve been wondering where I have been for the past couple of months? Yes? Well let me tell you.

I was on the hunt for the rarest, most esoteric and wild games for the 3DO multiplayer known to man. I should warn you, 3DO game collecting is not as simple as merely scurrying off to some ‘bay or picking them off a web somewhere. Oh-no. As my good friends over at the 3DO Zero forums will tell you – collecting rare items for the 3DO takes real men of courage…

So - Men of 3DO, gather yea round and listen to tale too tall to fit on a cartridge.

I was in a small picturesque town in Eastern Hungry, and surrounded I was. By an angry mob of Scandinavian Atariyans, bent, ON REVENGE! They had already been chasing me for three days and three nights. Their vengeance fuelled by I, 3DO Kid, last of the great 3DO fan-boys, choosing to compare Checkered Flag on the Jaguar to the 3DOs Need for speed and they weren’t in the mood for debate. (They knew they would lose!)

Armed only with my ever present collection of 3DO accessories and a Japanese phrase book – I attempted to evade them again. And so, the chase continued.

Crossing the snowy mountains, past the rainy vale, through the mighty ancient woods and long through the deep dark nights. For three whole weeks I ran for my very 3DO life. You see – you cannot stop them. That is what they do. They’ll wade through me, reach down my throat, and pull my heart out. Given half a chance. They cannot be reasoned with. The Ataryians will not stop until I’m dead.

They had finally cornered me outside a castle in Bavaria but I was too quick, having honed my avoidance skills on Gex, I ran desperately into the castle. I rapidly fled through the great hall and ran up the mighty spiral staircase of the main tower. Flinging myself head long into a large room and then slamming the door shut.

But it wasn’t enough!

As I regained my breath, they were bashing on the door to the room in no time, as I hurriedly looked for means of escape. As the door began to splinter! They were using their mighty Jag Cartridges pegged to wooden stave's to hack away at the door! All was not lost! I quickly lashed eight 3DO controllers together (FZ-JP2x that’s the smaller Asian version) and at the last minute I rappelled down the castle wall to safety. Thank goodness Panasonic didn’t skimp on the amount of cable! And as the Atariyans bellowed from tower, I had escaped once again! Hurrah!

As luck would have it – I was picked up on my long walk back to 3DO palace by a troop of travelling Japanese female strippers, who were on their way, the long-way mind, to install a 3DO Robo unit in a Love Hotel just outside of Paris, and while enjoying a nice mug of green tea and some of the finer points of shiatsu – they offered me some advice for today’s game - ‘Cards’. They told me, “3DO Kid – san, we made a game once!”

Twinkle Knights.

…and what a game it was. There are four girls to play and each game is divided into rounds. The number of which depends on the girl.

There was a military girl. A Japanese girl pretending to be Chinese girl. Space girl and girl I knew would look girl with her kit off.

Each round you are given 5 cards with a number on them. The aim – although it wasn’t entirely clear, was to pick the card with the highest value. Some cards represented unarmed combat. Others armed combat. Some would increase you aura and others would release your aura in a Special move. The object was to get your opponents energy down to zero.

The rules did seem to vary between girls although it wasn’t clear why. But the game did have an addictive quality. Largely thanks to fact that every time you won a round – some of your opponent’s clothes came off.

Now, some would have you believe that Twinkle Knights is the best game of this ‘ahem’ type on the 3DO. I disagree. It’s not as good in my honest opinion, as Virtual Cameraman 1 and it’s for no better reason than this: Naomi Sawada-san.
Word of warning – the game ONLY plays on a Japanese 3DO and doesn’t work on Freedo either.

Moderately rare everywhere too.

3DO kid.

It's good to be back!