Oh dear. The life of an amateurs-amateur game reviewer is one of a steep learning curve. Firstly - contrary to common belief, nobody, absolutely nobody agrees with you. You say "Tomato" and I say "Tomato". That obviously works better if the first Tomato is said with an American accent and the second with a plummy English one. The point is everyone disagrees.
Anyway - onwards - the second point is reviewing games isn't easy. 'Tis hard I tell you.
Finally, you have to review some real rubbish. Take todays game for instance: Slot machine simulator. Volume 1.
If Slot Machine simulator had been born of a woman's womb the temptation would have been chuck away the baby and keep the afterbirth.
For starters, it's ugly. Not ugly in only a mother / developer could love it kind of way, but ugly in a quick burn it before it gets out of the door kind of way. Not even the menus are pretty and the game itself seems unneccesarily blurry. Perhaps the original developer was chronically long sighted and to him, which ever institution he now resides, this game was in sharp focus.
There are plenty of options and choices - but they are all in Japanese. Fortunately the Japanese government passed legislation, just in the nick of time, and halted this woeful game from ever leaving Japans shores. TO put it in a human context again - you're in Playboy mansion, your chocking to death, and the female equivalent of Slot machine simulator. Volume 1 comes over to give you the kiss of life - you'll choose death.
The music seems to have been stolen wholesale from a lift manufacturer in Las Vegas. That's unfair - to elevator makers in the U.S.
Game play wise? Let me put this way. If Slot Machine Simulator was a girl you would be afraid to take her home to meet the parents, not because she was so ugly it would upset the Dog or that her voice commanded ships to steer away from rocks but because her personality makes Ted Bundy in a dress and lipstick seem like viable alternative. That's after he was executed.
Only the true, and I mean true, hardcore TO TEH MAX, 3DO collector gets a copy of Slot machine simulator - Volume 1.
Nasty. On a stick.
