Glowing Iguanas. Animals – for the most part – get let off lightly in video games. This is one of the things that truly polarises real life from video game life. In video games, Zombies, mutants, mutant-zombies, aliens and other people are most likely to attack you. This is of cause a complete fallacy. I can’t remember the last-time I was attacked by a zombie in the really real world - mutated or otherwise. I’ve never seen an Alien, let alone had the opportunity to shoot at one. I don’t even own a gun. Also, despite the news, humans haven’t attacked me much either and frankly while the idea of running down hoards of Religious Nutters with a stolen car may seem appealing – the opportunity to do so rarely raises it’s head. – And it’s not for the want of hoping.
No! Our real enemies on this planet are the nasty, bitey, stingy, furry, teeth and claw riddled beasts of the land we share this world with. Sure they may look cute on the BBC documentaries, perhaps menacing in a cool way but most likely we tend to think of the animal kingdom as some subservient mass of biology that we either pet, skin or eat. Basically classified as ‘Mostly Harmless’. Nothing of cause is further from the truth. Animals – all of them – are simply waiting for the right moment to over-throw the human race. The obvious candidates are creatures like Lions and Tigers, Bears must up there too – perhaps even dogs – mans best friend? Or enemy scout? And of cause those clicky-bloody-clicky smart-arse Dolphins. Have you seen how far apart their eye’s are? How are they trusted? I’ll tell you - propaganda and lies.
Drawing from my own experiences of being traumatised by animals, I find the usual predators however feature way down the list of would be human usurpers. Sure I’ve been nipped by a dog and clawed by a cat but for true animal related horror you have to look to the ‘sleepers’ of the animal kingdom. That’s right – Cows, Sheep, Goats, Chickens and some mean looking Geese and of cause the bloody ring leaders – Hamsters.
All these creatures have attacked me with no provocation what-so-ever in past. From the ‘They are simply defending their young’ stampeding cattle to the ‘Mr fluffy likes you – that’s just his way of saying hello’ vampire hamster – taking his chance at firing the first shot across the bow of the good-ship humanity. Supported by their damnable human apologists – animal lovers.
Sewer Shark offers us the chance to prepare in many ways for a future where the human race is forced to live in sewers defending ourselves from the merciless onslaught of gods four-legged harbingers of doom, perversely referred to as the animal kingdom
Starting with ‘glowing iguanas’ - as good a place as any I suppose.
Tom Zito seems particularly proud of his efforts on this one – his name features highly during the introduction, more than in other of his outings such as Night Trap and Supreme Warrior.
Whizzing down tunnels with badly acted FMV and poorly animated ‘creatures’ for yet another ill conceived interactive movie from the Digital Pictures stable is the order of the day. And if order-of-the-day is a cliché, it’s nothing compared to this game.
Oh-yes. Why are hamsters the ring leaders? Good management is identified by the ease of communication in the upper hierarchies. So, with that in mind – what is a Hamster called in France? ‘Hamster’. In Russia? 'Hamster'. Japan? ‘Hamster’ – the naming is universal. Seems to be more than coincidence if you ask me. Watch the cages my brothers – their time is approaching.
Sewer shark – rare and over-priced.
3DO Kid.
