Final year dissertations are a serious task and a seriously boring task.

One million words on a topic of your choosing. Usually it must be based on a subject that you figured out 3 years previously was, at the very best, boring you to tears.

That happened to me. The 'Business Data Communications World', so it seems, was not rocked with my development of X.400 system or X.500 or even my X.509 certificate implementation or for that matter my recommendations for improving it.

Why am I mentioning this? Well because it appears Cyberdillo was someones third year dissertation.

Yes - it is that bad.

Their chosen subject was, wait-for-it, a 'First Person Shooter'. I bet they thought they were cool.

You face one enormously overwhelming problem however with your third year dissertation. That is you are expected, within the bounds of reason, to be original. This is something of a nightmare.

Cyberdillos creator obviously liked Doom. Though it appears they were at pains to be original. So, like so many students before them, they tried to resolve the problem by mixing some things that they liked in real life - in the case of Cyberdillos creator that something was Doom on the P.C. and Disco dancing.

Not a natural combination. I'm sure you agree.

This they seemed to believe would give them that magical edge, that difference. That 2:1 degree.

The Armadillo was added for that 'X' factor. Well the 'X' found in sex anyway - More on this theory later.

Hmmm, OK then. So, what happened? In the case of: Disco meets Doom and for-the-lord-only-knows-why, Armadillos. What do you think happened? It was a disaster of a game. A wreck. Cyberdillo is to video games is what Moses was to ancient Egyptian property developers. Not good.

It is worse than Rise of the Robots. It is worse than Shadow. It is worse than B.C.Racer.

Where to start? Firstly, because I hate Doom. Why? Well gather round and let me tell you a story...

It reminds me of some idiot Microsoft Windows loving moron I knew while at university. He had an ugly girlfriend. A girlfriend who insisted on wearing leggings and he would enjoy waxing lyrical about computers over a pint of 'Real Ale'. To me. Endlessly.

Yes, he was a real-ale drinker too.

At that time I was already a computer veteran. A gaming veteran. And I could program - in assembler. O.K. I was geek. but this does not excuse this man. His Ale. His Girl. Those legs.

What I refused to accept was he believed the following:

a) Windows was good and he was looking forward (bloody forward!?) to Windows '95.

b) He could not imagine anything graphically better than Doom running on his 486 PC. This, despite the fact that the Need For Speeds 'tunnel' sections alone, urinated in a god like manner all over his blocky Doom textures.

These two observation identified him clearly as wrong. Wrong because he was a moron. Wrong in choosing members of the opposite sex. Wrong about Windows '95. And especially wrong about Doom.

From that time onwards, I've always held the belief that liking Doom was wrong. This may offend some people but there you have it.

O.K., moving on.

Secondly - I hate disco. Y.M.C.A. For me Y.M.C.A is the Young Mens Christian Association. I simply don't give two monkeys for any other interpretation. I also hate Abba and I hate any film John Travolta was in prior to 1990. Flares aren't cool. They never were. Get over it.

Thirdly - what in the name of all that is holy is an Armadillo doing in a video game? an Armadillo doesn't have any special abilities, unlike say a Gecko or a dragon or even a bird, it's just a Raccoon with armour plating. Why then? What - pray tell Mr Developer - was the point?

It is important to ask this question: Why the Armadillo? Did it make the game cooler? More 'out there?' More in touch with the kids? This particular Armadillo is endemic of games from the 1990's Video gaming era. Developers were trying too hard to be different, when they should have been trying hard to be good.

I'm angry because you know what I think? I think the Armadillo was included so that the developer could have sex with women.

- 'Ohhh, yeah baby, I'm developing the 'Next Gen' of computer digital entertainment, ooohhh yeahhh!'

- 'Ohhh really Randy? You are the coolest'

- 'That's right doll, it'll be like Doom, only better'

- 'But Doom's so violent, it make me scared cute'ums'

- 'Yeah but Doom and Disco babe, not scarey at all'

- 'But I'd like it if some lovely cutie, pinkie, smudgy Armadillo was included.'

- 'Errrr, OK, can we go to bed now?'

- 'OK'

That, I swear, is what happened. It is the only rational explanation.

So to summerise: Doom is wrong because that moron real-ale ugly magnet liked it. Disco is wrong because it is and Armadillos in video games are wrong for the same reason that the lead character in a game should never be a table.

Cyberdillo is wrong. Badly wrong. Cyberdillo is the bastard Frankenstien monster of a game. Burn it! Now! Quickly! And rejoice.

The one redeeming factor about Cyberdillo is that it is rare.

Thankfully.

3DO Kid.

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